I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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