And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
