i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
