They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
