just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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