Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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