so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
