Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
