It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
