My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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