I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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