and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
