Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i love accidental penises.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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