I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
