I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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