The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
