the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Randomize
