there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
