Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
