omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize