I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
