I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
