So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
