Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
