R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
