pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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