is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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