All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
