his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
