To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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