So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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