dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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