Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
