Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
