Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
