Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
