Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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