On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
