I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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