HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
