She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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