She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize