grandma shit on top of the toilet
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
