It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
