At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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