So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Four minutes until I can fart!
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
So many bounce houses so little time
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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