There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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