then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
