You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize