Is it normal to miss your booty call?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
