hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
