I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
