Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
This is the high leading the old right now
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
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