So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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