I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
how does that bad decision feel?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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