whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
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